Wednesday, October 13, 2010


noses. noses is an ancient noseless gang founded by these guys. they are no longer accepting new members. the only way you could have joined is if you also didn't have a nose. also strictly prohibited was the use of any homonym of "nose", ie. "knows". noses was probably more of a club than a gang - a club whose favorite activities included heavy talk of how things presumably smell.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


a cryme is a musical indiscretion committed by those who may or not play dungeons and didgeridoos. flailing somewhere in the musical waves that separate the powerballads from the boybands, a cryme ALWAYS begins with your back to the audience. every live performance of a cryme aspires to bring you to tears with an impassioned display of rule-breakiness and repeated chest poundings. rife with risque euphemisms about masturbation, cryme lyrics always include the words "cry" and "crime":

sample 1
CRY to crime
CRY to crime
CRY to crime
Won't you cry to crime ? (x2)

sample 2
It's not a crime for a man to cry, cry, cry
Sample the flavor of long-withheld tears
Just as falling rain is a kind of beauty
It's better to hold this opportunity well, and cry once
[It's not a crime]

sample 3
I will cry tonight, I will cry tonight, and my hands we cannot stop this crime.
I will cry tonight, I will cry tonight, and my sword has lost the eternal fight.

see also:
cryminal, crymage, crymudgeon

Friday, September 10, 2010


when something is so manly it encompasses all manhood, manliness - it is so whole that it is holy. there is only one word to express the awe inspired by such manly mannesss.
'immen' .
it's like on Oprah when they sing ' i'm every woman' - this is the man version - ' i'm men'
this psychic fisherman in a box at the duty free crossing en route to NY inspires one to say 'immen - immen to that brother' .


a turbulent food state. you know- when the food is so unstable it is still moving on your plate? food in throil looks as if it is in the throws of passion (with itself) , in the eye of a hurricane or still boiling.
this is a black forest cake in a state of throil.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


flast = flask blast.

a state achieved exclusively by drinking moonshine from a handmade ceramic flask embellished with a boombox, courtesy of tim ayers. if you're sicker than this dog, chances are pretty good that you have had a flast.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

grave fritters

a grave fritter is an unidentifiable bit of deep-fried food that lives in your couch. it took up residence months ago when it fell into the abyss between cushions while you were distracted by reality tv. you exhume it accidentally while searching for the remote. it is probably still pretty tasty and maybe even worth something.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Turzo : Turzo is a form of graffiti, from Italy. The Turzo-er (Turzo artist) applies graffiti onto existing, typically historic, monumental sculpture in such a way that it responds, highlights or addresses the form or meaning of the existing sculpture. This is different from regular graffiti which is just image/ text applied onto a wall. Turzo is typically humorous, political and unfortunately illegal. Some people think the word comes from combining Turf and Zone, but they are wrong.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

parrots, bears and parrot-bears

the barrot is a crossing of the common bear and the common parrot. mostly parrot with subtle bear characteristics, the barrot is easily recognized by its distinctly baritone mating call. a favored dinner meat among any chef worth his/her salt, the barrot displays a bouquet of voluptuous chocolate and tobacco, softly spiced with lots of tropical fruit. exceptionally showy on the palate, unsubtle low notes and a bit of wet rainbow dog on a leathery finish.

the pear, by contrast, in not an animal but a fruit with a texture similar to either this:
or this:

i know what you were thinking though, earlier, when you learned about barrots. following the phonetic logic, you were thinking that a pear would be the unique marriage of bear and parrot. but that genetically spliced wunderkind is properly known as psittaciformes ursus and it's still in lab.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


visitswar: this is a do-it-yourself mousetrap situation. the mouse crosses the 2x4 bridge to get to the peanut butter smeared  on the coke can. once the mouse is on the coke can, the can rotates on the bent hanger causing little mouse to loose its balance and fall into the huge  pail of antifreeze.  this is effective, cheap and apparently the mouse becomes sort of preserved in the antifreeze so it doesn't smell bad after it dies. this awful contraption ( though i  must say very clever)  is what mice would call a ' visitswar' .  
p.s. uncaught does not support the war on mice or the use of 'visitswars'


Lodong: see photo.
Example: ' hey hon, let 's go fishing- can you make sure the lodong, rods and bait are in the tackle?- thanks' 


this is an example of a fine place to retire.  a fine place to retire is called a ' later' . this fabulous ' later' can be found near cobourg ontario.  i get first dibs. 


this little guy is so much trouble with his hooks and cute looks, that you don't have time to spell 'trouble' so he is just called trubl. don't let him catch yah. i mean captcha ( get it ? ) 

on useless

this comes up every time you try to terminate your facebook account.
useless is ON.

trying to cancel facebook is like trying to cancel your legs. it's complicated and requires effort, know-how and tools. merely clicking the 'submit' button is like clicking your eyelids shut at the end of the day. guess what: tomorrow you will still have facebook, feet, ankles, knees and thighs. some things are not so easy to sever. social networking is one of them.

oh facebook, i wish i knew how to quit you.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


supedipt: an email excerpt describing the following situation:

"the other day i caught him sucking on his own rear foot and i was
like what the fuck?!?! what now? what does this mean? what's wrong
with him? but he had this sort of guilty/sneaky look on his face like
it was more than just a little scratch on a toe or something. so then
i watched him out of the corner of my eye and he watched me out of the
corner of his eye only he got distracted and my eye-corners are bigger
and he knew it was wrong too."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

hotel coconuts

hello, and welcome to hotel coconuts!
may we offer you something to eat/drink?

you will notice that your room is filled with coconuts.
we paid for them with your hard earned coconuts.

we hope you will have a pleasant stay.
(wake up calls involve smashing together two ripe coconuts)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

frailer middle

soft centre
frailer middle
hard shell

applies to: chocolates, turtles, lovers and Mars or any combination thereof

Friday, April 30, 2010


5259w is a coded message from the internet gods.
it refers to your destiny, more specifically the location where these degrees of latitude and longitude intersect.

google maps says it's precisely here:

the good people at have this to say about the potential of this rather barren place (and my commentary appears in red brackets):

The effect of this zone is electrifying and explosive. (really?)

The powerful drive towards freedom and independence dictates your action and your interpersonal relations. (you will not have to drive too powerfully though, since you are in the wild wild wilderness where there are no people with whom to have interpersonal relations)

You react impatiently to any kind of limitation and utter your opinions without hesitation. (if a tree falls in the forest...if you utter impatiently to yourself in a forest...)

Here, you need to ensure freedom of movement and engage in physical activities, as this excess energy could release itself in angry outbursts. (so don't lock yourself up in your tent)

These energies could find adequate expression in sport, fitness training and physical work, but even if you see yourself as a daredevil, it is advisable to avoid risky activities or play. (wolf brawls aren't risky if they're necessary)

The problems regarding the crossing of these particular energies are not just in their uncontrollable nature, but also due to a lack of patience, willingness to compromise and endurance. (sorry but there is no email out here)

Longer stays can lead to conflicts with authority figures, marriage complications and difficulties adapting professionally or socially. (but only in your head because you are alone)

However, if you are keen to free yourself from dependencies and repression, you will surely find the necessary support to do so. (in bed)

Thursday, April 29, 2010


When a face appears in your food. The face 'glik' ( spirit) transcends time and space and materializes itself in your food. A tranglik is a face that has successfully arranged itself from another dimension trying to make 'contact' . Currently we do not know how to address trangliks, it is safe to eat them, though it is considered respectful to greet the tranglik before ingesting them.


Fingwis: an arrangement of objects that guide/ direct someone to take their vitamins. Usually a fingwis is made with objects at hand (objets trouvĂ©). Fingwis's are  site specific, un-monumental, interactive and temporal. Fingwis's employ contemporary art installation strategies and  health forward philosophies to promote taking your vitamins. 

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


definition: when you are the only anglo at an all franco party and attempt to make small-talk

Saturday, April 24, 2010


ok, here's the scene: downtown montreal, end of april, springlike weather, friday 4:30pm. the doors of the old port swing open and a flood of youngish people wearing structured outfits in varying shades of charcoal pour out and get the first ray of sun on their eyeballs in months. this makes them feel good. so good that their eyeballs immediately seek other eyeballs to slither over. soon it's eyeball-on-eyeball, all cinq-a-sept long.

they are in powersuits. they are on the prowl. they are filled with the ultimate prower.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


vowne: 'vow' and 'never'

when you do something kind of foolish or reckless and then, in your mind, vow never to do such a thing again, but then you catch yourself already in the process of repeating the same mistake before you even finish the sentence

Monday, April 19, 2010


definition: passion down pat